So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
