Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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