bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he was CRYING into my vagina
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
