Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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