She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
