Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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