Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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