I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
