my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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