I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
