wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
