I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
