I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
