Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
