Your mouth is God's brothel.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
