the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
