I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
