So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
