Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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