there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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