someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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