im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
