Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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