He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
