I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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