If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
