3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We don't watch enough power rangers
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
