Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
