does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
