You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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