I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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