Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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