Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
