and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
