i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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