Where is the hickey?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
