I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
