I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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