I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
