you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
