well I can't set my house on fire every night
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
