My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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