How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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