Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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