did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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