You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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