you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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