Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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