I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
