I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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