did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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